How my life has changed

I shouldn't have expected much, considering what an awful news site Japan Today is, but I was amazed at how bad an article called "How foreigners’ daily lives change when they live in Japan" was (yes, that's actually the title). Perhaps not totally Japan Today's fault (well, except for that title), as it's a translation of a Japanese article which is itself just a bunch of translated posts from an English-language Japan Reference thread (phew!). They seem to have gone to some trouble to find the least interesting posts and strip them of any humour or insight, and the result is surprisingly boring.

It made me think about how my life has changed, and at first I couldn't think of any ways that weren't age or marriage related (I've done a lot of growing up since I coming to Japan at the tender age of 22 and getting married at 25, naturally). I learned to love olives a few years back, for example, which probably would have happened had I remained in Canada (and might have happened much earlier had I chosen to make my home in, say, Spain). I've also learned how to actually dress for the cold, which definitely wasn't influenced by my adopted home, as Japanese women wait for winter to wear their mini skirts and short-shorts. It's very odd, jeans and long skirts are saved for the sweltering summer months.

But I digress. I finally was able to think of some ways in which my life has changed since coming to Japan, and here are a few of them:

• I've become much shyer. I've always been shy but was starting to come out of my shell when I first got here, and my imaginary alter ego that never left Canada is a wildly extroverted socialite by now. But the real me, after years of living in a country where I am always the bumbling foreigner, has retreated so far into my shell that I'm stuck. It's partly laziness, because in Japan shyness is actually a virtue for women so there is little motivation to change, and it certainly wasn't helped when I lost the hearing in my left ear (try making new friends at a party when you can't hear what anyone is saying). But mostly I'm blaming this on Japan.
• I've learned to sleep in public. Like at the park, in the "rest rooms" (which really are for resting) at hot springs and bath houses, and on public transportation. It's often hard for me to stay awake during a long train ride, and I've been known to nod off while standing during rush hour.
• My manners are atrocious. I sniffle instead of blowing my nose, shuffle my sandles and slippers instead of picking up my feet properly when I walk, and I apply Japanese table manners to non-Japanese meals (like slurping noodles, drinking soup right from the bowl, and spearing large chunks of food on my fork and then returning them to the plate). I know that my glass is supposed to go at the top right side of my place setting, but in practice it goes where ever it fits. My chair stays pushed out far from the table and I hunch over my food to eat it. I have no use for paper napkins (let alone cloth)- why bother when there is a box of tissues on every surface of the house, including the kitchen table?
  
• I'm missing out on a lot of culture. I used to go to the movies weekly, more when I could afford it. I'd see Hollywood movies, documentaries, foreign films, anything. Here in Japan, movies cost a fortune to see at the theatre, and rental shops usually ignore non-blockbuster type films. Not to mention the long delay- movies are released months later in Japan, and then by the time a movie is available on DVD more than a year may have passed since I first heard of it, and I've already forgotten about it. Plus there's the subtitle problem- Japanese subtitles for a French film don't help me mutch. So I miss out on a lot of movies. And at my age I wouldnt expect to still be going to concerts and clubs like I used to, but I always assumed I'd just trade those for the symphony and the theatre and other grown-up stuff. Well, I've only checked out symphony prices here once and I don't remember the specifics, only that I concluded that live classical wasn't about to be come my new pastime. Then there's the library- I used to practically live there, but even if I were to find one with a decent English book selection it wouldn't be a place to relax and spend time at. Libraries here are the domain of old men, and they occupy every seat all day long leaving nowhere for a youngish book-loving lady to browse. I also once frequented museums and art galleries, taking advantage of discounted days or free nights. In Japan the major museums are pricey and never, ever offer discounts, and popular exhibits are horribly crowded. True, there are plenty of smaller galleries and museums here that are free or affordable, but they are often so small and/or specialized that they aren't worth going out of my way for. Or maybe that's just my lack of culture showing. Damn you, Japan!
  
• On the other hand, I watch less TV than I did when I lived in Canada, and that probably goes far to balance my lack of culture.
  
• My posture is the pits. I used to have excellent posture, and was complimented on it frequently. But in my sixteen years in Japan I think I've had a grand total of one person mention it. It's not because people don't dole out compliments here, because they do- but it tends to be about different things. Like my height, my "tall" nose, or my "small" face. (Come to think of it I rarely hear the latter anymore. I guess second chins cancel out small faces.) Or really dumb stuff like my chopstick skills or my Japanese ability (most often after saying a single word like "konnichiwa"). But my (formerly) straight back and strong, graceful walk? Not noticed or appreciated. In Japan, a beautiful lady can slump her shoulders, lower her head and clomp around in her high heels and still be considered a beautiful lady. Not that I need compliments to maintain good habits, but it's hard to stay motivated to keep up something that isn't valued. And in the meantime, after years of dealing with miniature-sized furniture, low countertops and forehead-level door frames here, I'm starting to blend right in. (Well, minus the high heels and the "beautiful lady" part. At least I still have a tall nose.)
• I no longer need to drink sweet drinks all the time. Pop is for special occasions (OK, weekends). Juice is a treat too and no longer comes in a bucket-sized glass. Coffee may be sweet but it's for waking up or to go with dessert. If I'm thirsty I drink water, or hot green tea, or cold barley tea, or something else that doesn't need sugar.
  
• I've become more of a meat eater. This may be a surprise, since the Japanese are supposed to live on fish and vegetables, but as any vegetarian here will tell you: meat is everywhere. I ate very little meat before I came to Japan, especially red meat. I didn't even like pork. I got most of my protein from tofu and beans, and animal protein was usually chicken and shrimp. Maybe some lean ground beef once in a while, but that's about it. And then I came to Japan, where meat was in everything, and it was delicious. Even pork- especially pork. It's not like the average person here eats tonnes of meat or anything, but but most meals will have a small amount of animal flesh, and that's a very sensible approach.
  
• I've learned to appreciate fat. This is also a bit counter-intuitive, since Japanese cuisine is thought to be so light and healthy. It can be, but the Japanese also give fat its due, acknowledging that moderate amounts of it can be a good thing. This was hard to accept at first. I was used to lean meats, skim milk and low-fat everything. When I first came to Japan, low-fat milk was impossible to find and I couldn't stomach to 4% fat milk that was the norm. Low-fat cheese or ice cream or muffins didn't exist. The heavy marbling of wagyu (Kobe-style Japanese beef) and the gelatinous fat of braised pork belly horrified me. But somewhere along the line I gave fat a chance and realized something: it sure is tasty! Now I know that there is nothing more delicious than an ice-cold glass of full fat milk, low-fat products are usually not worth eating, and fatty meat is heavenly. Actually, I think a lot of North Americans have also been enlighted in this way, thanks to the foodie movement (sorry, I hate the word "foodie" but how else can I put it?). Maybe I would have learned to love fat if I'd stayed in Canada, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been a wagyu steak that changed my mind.
  
• I've learned the importance of "ki wo tsukau" (to be considerate; to pay heed to another's needs). I've actually always been the type of person to make offers twice ("Hey, you want something to drink?" "No, thanks" "Are you sure?) or three times ("Are you sure you're sure?"). So in a superficial way I already got the concept, but it took a few years of living here for the true meaning of "ki wo tsukau" to sink in. It could be as simple as not hogging all the cookies on a shared platter, even though you're really hungry and they're your favourite kind. Or making sure that the person next to you can reach the soy sauce bottle, or doesn't have a bunch of empty dishes in her way. It sometimes shows up in weird ways, like a friend (or a few times, a stranger) entering the ladies room ahead of me and taking the washiki (Japanese-style squat toilet) stall and leaving the prized yoshiki (western style toilet) stall for me. An early lesson was learning to wake up my husband with a gentle kiss rather than a shove and "Hey, get up". The latter is actually easier, faster, and more immediately effective, but who wants to be woken up that way? I'm not all that good at it yet, and some people take it too far (it can easily turn into fussing, or be based on false assumptions, or cause excess inhibition), but when done well consideration is a very good skill for a human being to have.

There are many, many more, but it's past 10:00 and I need to get to bed. Can I blame that on Japan? Sure beats admitting I'm an lame old mom. For those of you living in Japan or otherwise abroad, how has your life changed?

Comments

[Diana]

This is a very interesting article and your introspection and self knowledge is quite amazing. I will think about if/ how living abroad has changed me and post on my blog as well.

Have a very nice day!

[Fabian]

I read your blog since I first came to Japan two years ago (I think I stumbled upon it during my search on what was the name of the thing I just had eaten in that fabulous restaurant in Tokyo).

In these two years many of your posts fascinated me - but this one really caps it all off! It is such a great and interesting post, full of self-reflection. Many of your observations I can understand, although I just have been to Japan about 2 months in total.
Thank you for this great insight!

Greetings,
Fabian

[Kay]

Very balanced (not rah-rah, "oh look at the cute Japanese") and after 35 years in Japan I am profoundly changed, to the point where I really do not fit in back here in the USA (near Canada, though). Ki wo tsukau is a biggie; so is "being there" and looking at, being aware of, the person you are giving something to (with two hands, of course) rather than handing it to them while looking somewhere else. Etc.!! Have you read "The Housekeeper and the Professor"?

[Anne]

Just wanted to pop in and say I loved this post, really like the new look and adore the way Shuma "mmmmms" when he eats something he likes. I've been reading your blog for years now, and although I moved back to the US almost 12 (!!) years ago, I went through many similar things you did although it was less challenging because I'm half Japanese. That said, there was probably more expectation of me to be "more" Japanese than other foreigners. I changed so much during my 7 years there it's hard to pinpoint which ways, and I did bring a lot of those changes back with me.

Looking forward to reading more posts, and Happy New Year to you and your family.

[Rurousha]

Long-time lurker, first-time commenter. Where to start? I like your blog's new look and new name. I particularly enjoyed this post. I noticed that story at Japan Today, but it goes without saying that this is a squintillion times better. (Japan Today is like a slow-motion train crash: ghastly, but you can't look away.)

Since I hail from South Africa, my life has changed so completely it's almost beyond description. Personal changes? Calmer, more tolerant, more fatalistic. Japan or merely old age? ^^

Thanks for a great blog, old and new!

[Mike Cash]

I'm responsible for probably half the posts in the JREF thread that gave oh-so-indirectly gave rise to this, and upon reviewing the thread can't believe that anything as boring as that thread is got any attention at all. Anybody who finds themselves translating that thread or using it as inspiration for "news" has skipped a lot of interesting stuff to get there.

[Chris]

I was really curious about the shyness part of your blog because I'm really into culture and how we behave in different environments. I have to agree when you're in an environment where you're encouraged by society to be shy there isn't much you're going to do to fight it. We all have a mechanism of wanting to be accepted and it's really powerful, if we're a certain way and it's encouraged what incentive is there to change?

[gaijinwife]

That was very interesting post. Definitely food for thought. Non marriage or baby related changes. I need to think. My table manners have definitely gone beside the wayside though.

[Ayako]

I stumbled upon your blog when I got curious and searched for "Napolitan Japanese" one night after I made it as dinner which came out oh so good, my American family couldn't have enough of it. I'm a Japanese living in Idaho. I moved here 16 years ago. I really enjoy your writing and just amazed by your Japanese cooking (far better than mine!). Wanted to tell you that you should go back to your beautiful posture. I know there are people who have noticed your posture. I was tall growing up, and my mom always told me to fix my "neko-ze (猫背)." Neko-ze is not regarded as a good thing even though it's certainly accepted. I was sad to hear your posture has gotten worse as a result of being in Japan. Understandable, but sad. "ki wo tsukau (or "kikubari") is definitely Japanese, and I try to keep practicing it here, even though no one recognizes it. It makes me feel good as a person.

[Marie Long]

Hi. I've just discovered you through a search on "yutampo" which my son's doctor prescribed to help him. I really enjoyed your blog on this and the haramaki.

I really need one of those! I may try to make one, though I'd love to find a pink one with trim like yours :) Please tell me if it attaches in the back.

How do you put it on?? Thank you! (from PA)

[Loz]

I love this post. I read it a couple of days ago and keep thinking about it. I've been here 5 years almost to the day and I know I've changed a lot in that time, but it's hard to say what is Japan and what is just good old growing up. Big difference between 25 and 30 with a husband and toddler!
I definitely like new things more now - I always lived in old houses in the UK and kind of sniffed at modern apartments but here I'd much rather be in a brand-new flat than an old wooden house - reality is somewhere in between but I dream of double glazing! Back home though I'd still love an old stone cottage, hmmm. I'm a lot smaller too! Mainly due to being vegetarian and the inaccessibilty of junky veggie food and chips and cheese in a pita bread, not to Japanese food being necessarily healthier. I'm actually more outgoing in some ways, I used to haaaate asking for help in shops or from strangers but I got so used to having to ask questions when I first got here, to avoid getting lost/find out what I could eat, that now it's not a big deal at all. I'm tidier (although still not tidy) which is pretty much down to having less space.
I think 3 days is plenty of time to go away somewhere now, and a week seems positively decadent, whereas before a holiday of less than 10 days seemed barely worth it. I know there's more but I am rambling on.
Love your new header picture by the way!

[ImranDeRoy]

You whites are poison. No, really. You are literally coursing with poison. Little wonder you age so badly.

Can't you people just stay in your stolen, colonized lands and intermarry? Why this need to pollute the rest of us? Didn't you do enough to destroy the gene pool in the Philippines and Latin (see? Latin?) America?

[Katom Coupon Codes]

I would have to say mine has changed a lot and continues to change regularly. A lot has happened in the last 12 months, and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things.

[Amy]

Hi there,

This was an interesting post. On the culture point, have you tried renting films on iTunes? Great selection, cheap, and very, very accessible.

Your son is SO cute and I really enjoy your food posts.

Best wishes from Australia

[Rachel]

I can relate with some of these :)

I've been in Bangkok, Thailand for 10 years and, yes, I'm shyer and my posture is terrible :)

I see a lot more movies there though, due to Thai movie theaters being cheap plus everybody buys bootleg discs so I see everything released for dirt cheap prices.

And yep, I also shuffle my feet when I walk. Every time I see my parents my Dad is constantly telling me to "pick your feet up" LOL.